on romance

I bought this dress when I had just turned 18. I tried it on in the shop change room and instantly fell in love with the romantic lace detail and the soft colour of the fabric. I shelled out $150 that day and didn’t look back at the shop as I exited without remorse – I had bought a dream dress. Something I felt that my future daughter would love to unwrap out of a box of tissue paper, and wear to her first dance or date. This dress has a lot of sentimentality for me. I haven’t worn it more than a couple of times, but each event was significant. The original reason I bought it was because I thought it would be perfect for a “first date”. I pictured mystery boy and myself going to a ballet or a theatrical performance of some sort, wearing this lovely dress. We would then have a romantic walk along the river and I would teach him (or attempt to) how to dance. 

This isn’t how first dates usually are my friends, as such, I found out this year on a rainy night in July. 

I was in a pretty horrendous place during the whole “romantic pursuit” of said boy. Life seemed to have “fallen apart”. Uni was a shambles, work wasn’t too good and in general, my mental health seemed at an all time low. I was really confused as to how anyone would find me even remotely desirable, let alone during this time of confusion and stress. I was feeling pretty delicate, and the last thing I wanted to do was add to my list of... things to worry about.

The actual date was lovely – albeit, I was a complete babbling mess for most of it, my left eye was bloodshot because I accidently sprayed perfume into it and the rain had caused my hair to take on the ‘electrocuted look’ . Things didn’t really continue with the boy afterwards and I was surprisingly completely okay with this, because at the time, the experience of it all was really quite fascinating, and it was exciting and positive while it lasted. You see, I’m pretty new to the dating world. High school didn’t involve any sorts of romantic conquests, and if they did, it was all my own head. I also consider myself a very guarded young woman; I wear my heart on my sleeve but I don’t act on a lot of the feelings I do have. I always felt that as soon as I got out of school I had to be fast, and experience things more and “catch up” to everyone else. And I mean, I still do want to experience more, but the feeling is beginning to slow down as I realise that everyone’s compass is different and sometimes taking things slow and letting them come together naturally is the best execution. 

So, yes, I am 19 and I’ve never been kissed before, but I do think there is something lovely and special about that. Knowing me, there will be some sort of disaster when the time does come, but, as always, there will be a unique story to tell my friends and family at the dinner table. 

Anyway – good night! I have a big week of uni and work and should probably get as much shut-eye as possible.